Chapters and Changes

It has been a while, a while since I wrote for me and not everyone else, and it's been a while since I wrote as me and not anyone else.

Life changes and we change so much I don’t know where to start. How often do we hear the cliche sayings of “no risk, no reward”, “life happens outside of your comfort zone” or “change is as good as holiday”. So on and so forth. A few years back, maybe even less than that, I preached this but I guess the comfort zone I pushed myself out of was still pretty comfortable. I thought I loved change, but when change hits and comfort zones are pushed, I realise how inauthentic I have been saying all of that.

To find the peace I have now found, I had to go through pain

To know the comfort I feel, I had to go out of my comfort zone

To discover myself, I had to go through self destruction

To know my worth, I had to feel worthless

And to get control again I had to spiral out of control

(Many more times than I like to admit)

The last few months have been an awakening. I am not talking about a blessed, WOOHOO moment, I am talking pain and self doubt. I am talking about moments where you find yourself questioning everything you know to the point you are crying not knowing why, where you end up booking a psychologist and then a psychiatrist and taking medication to help yourself rebalance your anxiety when you swore you would never get back to that point. And you got to that point because you could no longer recognise who you are and how to get back to being someone you wanted to be.

I spoke about it to some, but I did not want to show that story and side of me to anyone. And then I realised - this story is one that deserves to be told. It deserves to be told because it shows people that we are human and through owning that vulnerable and beautiful fact - we can actually live on another level.

I lost my job in the fitness industry due to redundancy after it was everything I lived and breathed, everything and everyone I knew was through that space. Then I found my feet in the most unexpected and beautiful place. I found myself creating magic in a world that was unknown to me but it helped me to flourish, to grow and to feel seen.

Yet, once again I found myself putting my career and others before caring for myself. I found myself working and speaking but not feeling. Progressing professionally but neglecting myself personally. This is not to say I am not grateful for the people I have been surrounded by, this is not to say I am not grateful for the opportunities I have been given, the connections I have made and the experiences I have felt. What I am saying is that I have realised over the last 8 years (8 FREAKIN YEARS!) I have put everything and everyone before myself. I lost myself in trying to be there for everyone else and their desires and being too busy with that noise to listen to the voice that matters the most, the voice of me.

As humans we so often evolve into our surroundings’ expectations rather than who we actually are. We hear their voices, we see their needs, we feel their pain but if we don’t make space for our own - we lose ourselves.

If you change for others, for your surroundings, you will never be you. You will never be where or who you want to be. You can put on the face, be the body, say the words, do the things they want, everything in accordance with their expectations and desires. But is that you? Ask yourself, no one else.

Every chapter is not one to regret, every mistake is not what you think - it is a learning curve. And with curves, they have the habit of spiralling in directions you don’t expect but I believe that as humans, we weren’t born for the straight and narrow. We were born to live, to love and to learn and that requires ups and downs..

Maybe we do not necessarily need to keep up with the change, but the change needs to keep up with us.

Your insides and your outsides can change, you can evolve and shift, but if you are sure of who you are in and out of that evolution - then you will feel the true intensity and beauty that life can bring.

To conclude I will say, here I am again. Finding myself in waters that are unknown. But just like in the ocean, I love to ride those waves and no matter how hard they knock me down, I always come up smiling (alas readjusting my bathers - but still happy).

I don’t know what my next steps are. Maybe I don’t know if where I am is where I will be in a week, a month or even years to come. However, what I do know is that where I am is comfortable in my direction and knowing that I am undoubtedly aware that I choose me and will continue to do so.

Life is going to change, people are going to change and your surroundings will definitely change, but the one thing you can control my dear, is you.

So let go of your conceptions, your expectations and just trust yourself.

Love,

Meg