Anxiety, the beautiful beast.

In honour of R U OK? Day and all my beautiful Anxiety Warriors.

Last year I wrote a piece on anxiety for R U OK? Day, it was open and it was raw and it was probably one of my favourite pieces that I have written to date.

I feel like this year I wanted or even needed to write a little more on the topic, as I have grown my own understanding of the subject has also grown and with more people than ever struggling with mental health, I thought I would share my insights in the hope that it hits home for one other person, if not for myself too.

I know that the word anxiety is definitely a lot more common these days and some get frustrated with people pulling the “anxious card” almost as an excuse. But honestly, I would prefer people to have the awareness rather than bury their heads in the sand. Raising awareness allows the opportunity for a deeper understanding on the subject and a deeper understanding leads to an ease in suffering, even if slight, for those struggling with it.

Here is a bit around me and my own journey.

Have you ever heard the term extroverted introvert? Well, that’s me to a t. People see me as someone that is loud, confident and comfortable in my mind and my body. But the truth is, anxiety runs deep in my blood and a lot of the time I simply fake it until I make it.

Anxiety is dressed differently for different people. For some it comes in the form of body image issues, others it may be social anxiety and some may get performance anxiety whether it be in their personal or professional life. These are just a few of the forms it may present itself in. It is often this expectation put on yourself by others or more commonly, by yourself.

Someone close to me recently asked “what does anxiety feel like?”

The best way I can describe anxiety is a dis-ease, it’s the feeling in the pit of your stomach or the back of your mind that something is not quite right and it never really goes away. The feeling you are not good enough or if you feel like you are for a moment then you should feel bad for feeling smug.

Anxious people tend to keep ourselves so busy doing things because we are actually busy avoiding things.

We look after others or take on too much so that people won’t see us with our guard down.

We tend to talk too much or say too little, because we don’t want to say the wrong thing.

And worst of all, a lot of the time we kinda just want someone to listen to us for a change, to take on some of our burdens but because we are so busy acting like we are okay, everyone assumes we are and gives us even more to balance. Is this vicious cycle sounding familiar to any of you?

Generally I don’t really know how to slow down. I don’t really know how to let go of control and just let things run their course. Although I have always embraced change, I do not like the unknown. Like a lot of anxious people, I like neat boxes. I like ticking things off and knowing what I have to do next. I once read that anxious people like being organised because it’s one less thing they need to worry about. This hits the nail on the head.

This whole COVID-19 situation has been a paradox for me. It has helped me to slow down yet get more things that I couldn’t “find time” to get to before. It has helped me breathe deeply despite the tightness in my chest. I have found beauty in the silence, though the silence taunts me with the change. I have been working through to let go of fear and to work with love and somehow I am learning that having no control of the future, has let me control my own present.

So this is all about anxiety and what it means for me in my own life but it doesn’t really help show my new understanding or give you the “tools” to deal, does it? Well the truth is, I can tell you a few of my favourite tips. I can tell you how I sit and write to reflect, I can tell you how I have learnt to sit and let myself feel until I start to heal and I can tell you how sometimes I just say “this fkn sucks” and that is enough to just accept a bad situation and let it be as it is. I will give you some tips but then I will share with you the key learning I found this year which helped me move leaps and bounds and is the one that changed my life. It all started with a beautiful little book, First We Make the Beast Beautiful by Sarah Wilson which led to a lot of self reflection and a hell of a lotta growth.

My tips?

Breathe baby, just breathe. It sounds ridiculous and I have mentioned it in my blog before but honestly breathing is one of the most effective ways to focus on something else other than what is messing with your head. A lot of people close to me are used to me taking heavy sighs. It’s not because I am being dramatic (though I definitely have my moments), it is because when things get overwhelming for me I simply need to take one big, deep breath and remind myself of perspective.

Shake things up. Now I don’t know about you, but as an Anxious Annie I love LOVE love routine. I like things to happen in order, I like things how they should be and I love the familiar. But when you shake things up, there’s no expectation, there is no standard you have set for yourself and somehow you just manage to BE. It’s like going on a date with someone that is not your type at all, you don’t get as nervous or worry about if they don’t like you because you simply have no expectations for it. Do things backwards, do different things, it’s so wrong that it might distract you and feel right.

Create space, not time. If there is one thing that being made redundant and then COVID-19 taught me, it’s that you can have all the time in the world yet you can still hide from your demons. Sometimes the more time you have, the more random crap you fill it with. I found new hobbies, studied different courses, spent more time doing headstands than standing on my two feet, but that did not allow space to feel and heal. When I learnt to just sit in my own space and just be, not do, I found this deeper sense of myself and through that, a deeper sense of self. Even if it’s five minutes a day, try to be alone and just let yourself think and feel. Journal if you like, but leave the phone and distractions aside, you are worth those few private moments.

Record and relish it. I have said countless times that writing things down is the best step to healing. It’s like a free psychologist, sure you don’t get a plush couch to lie on but you save some cash and get to do it wherever you like and more importantly, wherever you need. I am not going to lie, I have saved myself some serious therapy by simply writing down my issues (yes I have a lot of issues and A LOT of full journals). I often find it brings the closure that another person cannot bring me, and the opportunity to reflect and see how far I really have come, or sometimes see how far I may still have to go.

So the last AND MOST IMPORTANT tip is the underlying message from the book I mentioned.

Anxiety PLOT FREAKIN TWIST. The whole concept of the book is that anxiety is not something you get rid of or you try to heal from, it is something that you see differently and learn to live with. Anxiety is traditionally something scary, something unknown and something which shakes us all a little differently, it’s that dis-ease I mentioned. But why do we see it like this? Why do we not see that often this beast is in fact the driving force behind our performance, our sensitivity and our heightened emotion for things and people we care about? Why can’t we take something generally seen as ugly and make it something quite beautiful? As soon as I started to appreciate my anxiety for what it was, I removed it’s power and took it from the driver's seat to the back seat. It’s here for my journey but it’s not in control, I am in control of it.

It’s here for my journey but it’s not in control, I am in control of it. Understand your root cause, do not fear it.

So tell me, what does your anxiety do for you? Does it help you work that little bit harder, love that little bit stronger? Does it make you feel more and see the beauty in things others might simply pass by? I finish this blog piece with this, but I will never stop preaching about it. Like I said, when I started to believe this, my whole life changed.

This journey will never quite be done, but it’s because of this that I have learnt to not fight it, but simply to embrace the beauty, embrace the chaos and feel each wonderful, powerful moment.

Love,

MDW

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